Moses was in the wilderness for 40 years before he led the Israelites out of Egypt. Then he spent another 40 years before leading the Israelites to the Promised Land, although he never entered it. So, what happened in those 80 years? And how do I see myself in this?
The first 40 years of wilderness for Moses was when he fled Egypt (where he grew up) and wandered in the wilderness. Trying to survive. Then God revealed Himself in such a way, a burning bush, that He got Moses’ attention and began to speak to him…free my people from Pharaoh. Moses is just ONE story. God creates a ONE story. Moses eventually leads the Israelites out of Egypt and crosses the Red Sea. He made a way when there wasn’t one. Trust…more on this for another day. Then Moses roams the wilderness for another 40 years while the Israelites, and he, learn to listen. Listening…more on this for another day.
I have seen myself in the wilderness for a few years now. Wandering. Surviving. Treading water and barely keeping my head afloat. As I now look back and ponder the past 12 years or so I/we have:
fostered two kiddos,
adopted the same two kiddos,
started homeschooling all five kids,
my dad’s cancer diagnosis and passing,
broke an ankle,
sold our house to get out of debt and moved in with my mom because we hadn’t found another one,
had ankle surgery because there was more than a break,
had a hysterectomy,
found an 1890 farmhouse that needed a complete reno,
helped my mom through a kidney donation,
moved into the farmhouse after two and a half years of reno…still not completed,
been a caretaker of my mom who fought pancreatic cancer for two years,
fought through and continue to fight a diagnosis of Adrenal Fatigue…and
I had shoulder surgery.
I feel like my body has fallen apart; mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Mentally, I come from a line of anxiety and depression on both my mom and dad’s side. Depression and anxiety are real. Hereditary. But it was never discussed. So, I grew up having to be “strong,” at least on the outside. Don’t ask for help. Don’t discuss. Stinkin’ pride…generational cycle…it gets in my way…that is for another day.
I didn’t want to be seen as weak. My PCP (Primary Care Physician) placed me on an anti-depressant, Lexapro. It did its job to allow me to function and I was at a point where we both, PCP and I, thought coming off would be a good next step. While we were deciding this, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
Needless to say, I stayed on Lexapro for the entire two years while mom was battling C…sometimes I don’t like mentioning its name. It has taken too many of my loved ones to write its full name, as if it is being recognized for the evil that it is. I won’t give it that kind of power.
One year after mom passed, I finally surrendered to seeing a counselor. Why do we look at it so awful, counseling that is. Unknown probably. Not educated on what it offers. It is so foreign that the word “counseling” seems well, foreign. Don’t want to be attached to that name. After a few sessions, she suggested that I go and have a consult with a functional doctor. She suspected that I was probably dealing with Adrenal Fatigue.
I still see my counselor. I need to process the past and currents events. Growing up. Generational cycles. Different levels of grief. So much healing that still needs to take place. Having someone outside my brain to help me process is what I need. I am grateful to have an amazing Christian counselor who prays after every session. We have done EMDR. I highly recommend it. Make sure it is performed by a trained professional. It is scary, healing, and exhausting. Update: I am off Lexapro due to side effects.
Next in my wilderness is emotional health. You now know my genetics and not replacing Lexapro was going to be hard. So, my functional doctor encouraged me to take a natural route. That means a high dosage of Vitamin D, pill and actual. Yes, actual. The sun was created for many reasons and one being a vitamin that is necessary for wellness. Natural. I also take Magnesium Glycinate three times a day. Natural. I also use hemp oil. I also get outside and walk. Being outdoors for 10 minutes alone has great benefits.
Lastly, I will talk a bit about my physical health. I had to get trifocals…sigh. After wearing contacts for 30 years, glasses were not fun. I had a jogging accident and ended up with an ankle injury that needed surgery. A hysterectomy was performed. I will spare you the details on that one. The Functional Doctor diagnosed me with Adrenal Fatigue. “Fix it or it will fix you.” Yikes! I am still on the recovery of that. Then there was the shoulder surgery. From youth softball…really? Could it have been from the car accident in the suburban? Not sure, but why not add another tally to the physical chart. On a side note, shoulder surgeries are a beast! Especially when my body does not receive narcotics. Tylenol only, with some supplements from the Functional Doc. I have been battered the last 12 years.
Wilderness is stark for food and water, isolation, danger, yet wilderness encounters with God. Deuteronomy 8:1-3 tells of why God took the Israelites through the wilderness for 40 years. It was to make their faith strong…aka trust. To humble them. The Lord has taken me and continues to take me through the wilderness for the same reasons. To strengthen my faith and to trust completely. Oh, how I need You.
The Israelites’ faith was weak, even after all the miracles that were shown to them. Did they choose to ignore? Were they so full of pride they couldn’t see His hand, His footprint, His provision? Was I, am I currently, ignoring the Lord? Was I so full of pride I couldn’t see His fingerprint? Do I continue to be prideful and not see His provision?
The Hebrew root word for wilderness is ‘to speak.’ WOW! The Lord wants to speak to me and for me to listen in the wilderness. Pay attention, Kristy! Humble yourself and listen to what He has to say. He is showing the way, teaching, providing. Humble yourself, pay attention and grow in faith.
Are you currently in the wilderness? Have you had a season of wilderness? Know that the Lord wants to speak to you. He wants to lead you through.
God never left Moses, nor will He ever leave you/me (Deuteronomy 31:6). Thank you, Lord, for never leaving us.
I am ONE story.
~ Kristy
Deuteronomy 8:1-3 NLT (New Living Translation)
“Be careful to obey all the commands I am giving you today. Then you will live and multiply, and you will enter and occupy the land the LORD swore to give your ancestors. 2 Remember how the LORD your God led you through the wilderness for these forty years, humbling you and testing you to prove your character, and to find out whether or not you would obey his commands. 3 Yes, he humbled you by letting you go hungry and then feeding you with manna, a food previously unknown to you and your ancestors. He did it to teach you that people do not live by bread alone; rather, we live by every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.
Deuteronomy 31:6 ESV (English Standard Version)
6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”