Four years now. Today. April 4th. Mom, you are missed. Dearly and deeply. So many things have happened since you left. Let me fill you in on a little…
Since you left, three of our five kids have graduated from high school. Alek is married. Landen will be taking drivers training soon and is looking for a summer job. Matt celebrated our last 13-year-old birthday date. Zak had a job change. Isaak got his lifeguard certificate and motorcycle endorsement. Your son lost his father-in-law. We lost one of your brothers and one of your nephews.
Then there are the little things like gardening (we discovered you can hunt with a blue light for tomato worms), creating new recipes (and yes, I still don’t measure), or the sighting of the first robin (Alek won this year). Changes to the city of Newaygo. Of course there is more…
Do you know I haven’t been able to play the piano since you left? Not sure why I still have the thing. None of the kids took to it and all it reminds me of are the times when you would sing while I played.
I have dreams about you. Three have been the same ones and I have had another that is different. They make me miss you more. Your smile. Your hugs. Your listening ear.
Most days the grief behaves itself and I do okay. I think of you and laugh at our memories and quirks and non-verbal looks. And some days…the grief is nasty. It knocks me down and I feel like I am drowning. That is when I isolate myself and journal and cry and sing and pout and recite Scripture so it will cut through the hurt.
One of the songs that plays through my head is Anchor by Skillet. “So, steady me. Steady me now.” One of the pieces of Scripture I cling to is, “You have collected all my tears in Your bottle.” This tells me that my tears count. They are not a waste. And Jesus cares so much about them that He collects them.
Mom, there are many people you know who have been through some storms since you left or are currently in a storm. Going through a storm is SO tiring. It feels like you are drowning and can’t catch a break and all that is above water is my nose/mouth (and you know I don’t tread water well). It feels like there is never an end to the tunnel. It feels like the air is so thick you can’t breathe, restricting my lungs (worse than my asthma flares).
But you trusted. That was a hymn we played and sang. “Trust and obey. For there is no other way. To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.” Trusting another is hard for me…you know that about me. It means I have to let go. Surrender. I will probably journal more on this later because it is such a big deal. I have to die to myself, my wants, my selfish ways and I pout…yes, Mom, I still pout and in big ways sometimes.
Trusting God and His will for your life, my life, those that I love. Trust that it was best for you to leave…(sigh).
I still see my counselor, Mom. Lately, the topic is why do I feel shame in my struggle. Good question. I struggle. A lot sometimes. Especially with our kids from a hard past.
I still wear your wedding ring and Dad’s during times of struggle.
What you’ve missed the most that maybe grieves me the most, is missing out on the kids growing up. Changing. Becoming mature. Praying with them through transitions. You loved them deeply, which made me love you deeper yet.
Love you. Until we meet again…
I am ONE story,
~ Kristy
Psalm 56:8 NLT (New Living Translation)
8 You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
Lyrics to Anchor by Skillet
Drifting beneath the horizon
Body is weak but I’m trying
To make it to shore, but I’m falling short
I need You more
Wave after wave, I’ve been sinking
So unto Your promise I’m clinging
You say that I’m strong, to You I belong
Keep holding on
You are my anchor
So steady me, steady me now
You are my anchor
You’re keeping my feet on the ground
In angry oceans, You’ve never broken through
Every wave of the storm
You are my anchor
So steady me, steady me now
Come steady me, steady me now
When I get tired of finding
All of the fears I’ve been hiding
You gave me a breath, and tell me to rest
You never left
I can, I can, I can hear You, calling me by name
Pulling me up from under my shame
I’ll never be the same
I can face anything, so let it rain
You are my anchor
So steady me, steady me now
You are my anchor
You’re keeping my feet on the ground
In angry oceans, You’ve never broken through
Every wave of the storm
You are my anchor
So steady me, steady me now
Come steady me, steady me now
Don’t let go
I don’t want to do this alone
Don’t let go
I know that I’ll drown on my own
You are my anchor
So steady me, steady me now (I don’t want to do this alone)
Anchor
You’re keeping my feet on the ground (I know that I’ll drown on my own)
In angry oceans, You’ve never broken through
Every wave of the storm
You are my anchor
So steady me, steady me now
Come steady me, steady me now