I am a recovering CF…Control Freak. I have known for a long time and have laughed it off, ignored it or just plain didn’t care because that’s just me. My personality. I can have Type A tendencies. But the more I mature in my relationship with the Lord, the more I realize I cannot keep doing this. I am exhausted.
The controlling can sometimes be invisible to most. Setting up environments so the right outcomes are achieved…my hubby works hard, so I’ll grill for us…aka I didn’t want burned or dried out meat. I will put the lights on the Christmas tree…aka I want to make sure they are put on “correctly” so when it is time to take them off, I can unwind and place in bucket without any entanglements. Or here is a secret, I would put the older three boys in the bathtub whenever they wanted a popsicle so I could control the mess…yes, I did that.
There is a process for things like washing dishes, putting items in order on the conveyor belt for the cashier. Or how about the toilet paper roll…always beard never mullet.
I was recently reading in the book of Matthew chapter 13. Jesus is giving a parable about the Kingdom of Heaven. He explained it being like a man who found treasure in a field, sold everything he had and bought the field. Jesus also gave another parable about the Kingdom of Heaven which is like a merchant who was seeking for a pearl. And upon finding the most beautiful one, sold everything.
Both people understood the value of the Kingdom of Heaven: aka salvation. One might have found by accident and the other one while seeking, but both understood the value in what was before them and they sold everything for it. So, the questions before me were, do I value the Kingdom of Heaven as these two? And if I do, then what do I need to “sell” in order to experience this value. Tough questions. Tough question that I have to decide if I want the true answers to. I asked flat out, “What do I need to sell?” Control. You need to sell control. It came quickly, but it is still taking me a bit to process and release.
And the more I dug into why I feel the need to control everything I began to realize it is due to my anxiety. Sigh…
Looking back in my early years, I was the one who had stomach aches the night before and morning of an event. Sometimes even missing out because of my stomach ache. I was the one who bit my nails, chewed on pencils and pens and twirled my hair. I fidgeted. A lot. Then looking at myself as an adult and more recent years, I have been the one who did a lot of self-talk in my head or experienced chest tightness, headaches, muscle “rocks” (as my hubby calls it) in my back/shoulders.
I have recently found what is called Breath Prayer. Breathing in and out. Slowly and deeply. Claiming God as I breathe in and saying what I need as I breathe out. For example: El Roi (saying while breathing in) hold my hand (saying while breathing out). El Roi (while breathing in) collect my tears (while breathing out). This has helped me SO much. Deep breathing, claiming God, announcing my need.
1 Peter 5:7 says to “Cast all my anxieties onto Him.” The Greek meaning for cast is: to throw or hurl with a sense of urgency or great force. Adonai (breathing in) catch my anxieties (breathing out).
I do believe I have been created to be more susceptible to anxiety and depression. But I also believe I have a spiritual well being that my Creator has made in me. I was created to experience salvation. To inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. “Selling” my control issue, my anxiety is a daily choice on things…sometimes hourly. But I am willing to “sell” it in order to experience the Kingdom of Heaven. And I am thankful my Heavenly Father is gracious and patient with me.
I am ONE story,
~ Kristy
Matthew 13:44-46 ESV (English Standard Version)
44 “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.”
45 “Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls, 46 who, on finding one pearl of great value, went and sold all that he had and bought it.”