My thorn is my depression and accepting this depression has been a process. Believe me, I have asked God multiple times to take it away. To relieve me of it. I almost feel, at times, punished because of it. Why? Why is this my thorn? Why won’t God take it away? Paul asked God to take away his “thorn” three times and each time God said no. My grace is enough for you.
So, what does that look like? When God doesn’t take away your thorn. That you will live with your thorn, whatever that is, for the rest of your life. Does it mean I have to accept it? And what if I don’t accept it, then what?
If I do accept it, will that mean no more dark, no more fire, no more storms, no more tears, no more isolation? And if I don’t accept it, will that mean I am doomed and can never have joy, peace, hope?
So many questions…
My thorn is my depression and I have to learn to live with it daily, sometimes hourly. Mind, body and soul. And it is hard work.
For my mind, I work at journaling. I lament. I write His promises, His truth. I meet with my counselor regularly.
For my body, I meet regularly with my functional doctor. I eat a clean diet, for the most part. I take supplements. I walk outside. I meet with my chiropractor regularly.
For my soul, spiritual disciplines/habits/rhythms have been key to staying connected with Him, my Anchor, my Hope. Because I am His child, I have hope. Hope is Jesus. I haven’t felt this close to God in my entire life, even with all my questions/doubts/fears.
If I look withdrawn, if I am quiet, I am usually in the midst of surrendering to this thorn. Daily. Sometimes hourly. His grace is sufficient for me to live. I don’t understand it completely. But I know He never leaves me. I know that He sees me. I know that He collects my tears.
Accepting the fact this thorn won’t leave, allows me to focus on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of my faith, and not focus on the thorn itself. That through my depression, He grace is enough to move forward throughout the day. When I focus on Jesus and not my thorn, I am reminded that I am held. That I am not alone in this. He never leaves me.
One of the key promises I hold on to when my depression in rampant…my dark is not too dark for Him. It is found in Psalm 139. Do I go into details here about my dark? Man, it is hard being vulnerable…with myself and with others. Some areas are easier to be vulnerable with and other areas not so much. Bottom line is: no matter how dark my depression gets, it will never be too dark for Him…WOW!
My thorn is with me until the end. I do my part with mind, body and soul. He does His part with His grace. I focus on Him, the Author and Perfecter of my faith. This is my journey, my story. I am His lost sheep that He has found. My dark is not too dark for Him.
I am ONE story,
~ Kristy
2 Corinthians 12:8-9 NIV (New International Version)
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
Psalm 139:11-12 NIV (New International Version)
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.