How does one prepare? Prepare to lose someone or something significant in their life. Prepare to continue in life when there is a giant hole in your heart. When you feel life is happening but from your point of view it is all a fog. So foggy you cannot see clearly. Or you feel like you are in the mud. Stuck in the mud like a little girl with boots in a clay field (this happened when I was 5 and it was traumatic). So stuck you cannot move. So, you stand there, waiting for something to happen. Anything. You have tried with all your might to change the situation, but you cannot. I cannot bring that person back. I cannot bring that something back.
Loss includes losing someone; as in passing away or moving away (physically and/or emotionally). Loss could be something you used to do and don’t anymore. Either our life changes, you move or you do not have time for that activity anymore. Too many other responsibilities, dynamics change or something else changes. It could be something that was taken away; a job, a friend, an ability. Sometimes loss could be something that has morphed in a good way, but you still miss the old way. The good ole days. Why do I cling to it? Why can’t I embrace the change? Is all change bad?
There is mourning and lamenting. Both are biblical. I will journal about those later.
So for now…you grieve over the loss. Your heart hurts so much it feels like your chest is going to cave in. Break. Did you know there are multiple levels of grief? Of course there is…it cannot be just one level. There is…denial. I do not believe this is happening, so you continue to push forward. You continue to make plans and ignore reality. Don’t talk about reality. Off limits.
Then there is depression. This is a dark place. A heavy place. Depression lingers. Hangs around like a 500-pound coat that you can’t get rid of. It suppresses you. Makes it hard to breathe, hard to function. There is zero motivation. It literally takes life out of you. You don’t want to talk, eat or be present for others. The capacity to engage is not there.
Loneliness is another level of grief. You feel absolutely alone. No one understands because they haven’t had the same experiences as you. No one responds like you do. You believe in your head that it’s best to not infect others so you isolate yourself.
Another level is guilt. Why wasn’t it me? Why am I still here? I should have asked this. I should have offered that. I should have…you fill in the blank.
The last level I will mention, even though there is more, is anger…this is my least favorite. When grief sneaks in and causes me to experience anger, I am scared. The anger in me can be such a beast. Ugly. Uncontrollable. My heart starts to race. I begin to sweat. My eyebrows move inward. I start biting my lip. That is why it is my least favorite. I am scared I won’t be able to have self-control and therefore I’ll sin. Sin with my mouth, actions, or thoughts. No one wants to be in my path when this level comes out. What am I mad about? So many things…not doing life with that person. My kids not being able to have the opportunity to experience life with that person. The way things used to be. Sometimes I am mad because life used to be simpler. I can distinctively remember two incidents when this happened; one was a year after my mom passed and my counselor was trying to get me to release the anger. Then it happened again on Easter morning three years after she passed.
Then there are triggers. Just when you think you are healing and moving on…BAM! You don’t even know when they are coming or what level of grief is hitting you until it is happening. Then you need to ride the wave of grief until it passes. Sometimes it’s hours. Sometimes it is days or even weeks. I heard someone compare it to the beach. You draw something in the sand, but then a wave comes and erases everything you just drew. Everything you worked towards on healing. Gone. Then the wave reveals something…a new shell or garbage that was hidden, like something else you haven’t healed from. So, it feels like constant work.
So where do I turn when those triggers happen? Where do I look when loss happens? From where does my help come from? It comes from the Maker of heaven and earth. He alone will help me and give me rest from this heavy coat of grief. If I turn my eyes to Him and allow Him to help me, then peace will come. Rest will come. The loss will still be there, but hope will be there also. Hope that is Him, the Maker, the Shepherd. The key for me is to allow Him access. I have put so many thick walls around my heart that He does not have access to…unless I let Him in. If I want to be free from this grief every time it is triggered, then I have to open a section of the wall I have built to protect myself. He wants access. He desires to heal me. I have to choose to allow Him to.
I am ONE story.
~ Kristy
Psalm 121 NIV (New International Version)
1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Matthew 11:28-30 ESV (English Standard Version)
28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”